Friday, November 13, 2009

Something is wrong with this powerpoint

A little while ago I was asked to look into something for work, and this something proved to be so stupidly complicated that I decided the only way to relay this information to my superiors would be via PowerPoint. I would not be making a presentation, you see, just a quick slide show with the information presented in a simple, step-by-step format, that they could browse at their own leisure (pronounced LEH-jurrr, with a mint julep in hand).

Anyway, sometimes my head goes to weird places and at some point during the construction of this PowerPoint that place was Tim Curry. So to amuse myself and to keep my interest, I started inserting pictures of Tim Curry into my slide show. Then, Tim Curry became the host of my slide show. Eventually I had slides like this:

So then I says to myself, I says, "Well, those slides kept MY interest. Why not just leave them in?" And so the presentation hosted by Tim Curry made its way to all of my superiors.

My boss' response: "Now I know what happens when I leave you alone with a box of coffee all day."

Which would be true, except I hadn't actually had any coffee. Because If I HAD, my presentation would be more like this:

Really, it's just my brain, which is dominated by major television networks and film studios (I was a latchkey kid!). Go on, remember Tim Curry as The Butler? You loved that movie. Put it into your presentation. Do it. DO IT NOW OR YOUR MOM WILL NEVER COME HOME FROM WORK.

Difficult day

Today has been a difficult day. For a wide variety of reasons. After I had finished randomly throwing up for no apparent reason, I put my head down on Leighann's desk to whimper about how much I hate my life. Leighann once again proved her sensitivity and caring by petting my head with a plastic fork and calling me a "retarded mermaid"

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

This man is our hero
Essentially every entry on this man's site is genius. He also seems like a complete asshole, in a totally hot way. One day Leighann and I are going to move to Australia and joint-marry this man (half-opposite marry?) this man and take turns babysitting his hysterical, foul-mouthed, horribly behaved child. I anticipate us lasting about a year before we collapse from exhaustion brought on by wild sex and constant laughter.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Our office gets some color

Yesterday, my boyfriend sent me flowers at work because I was having a bad day (bad day = abilities reduced to only being able to play farmville while I cry like a toddler, emailing boss responses like "I don't care, do whatever you want"). This was a very thoughtful and unexpected gesture, since I have received flowers from him exactly once in our four-year relationship (and only then because I asked him why he never brought me flowers, so he felt obligated). These flowers would also not be possible without Kristen, who gave him our office address, so a big tip-o-the-hat to her as well. Anyhoodle, in addition to our drab walls and black-and-white printouts, we now have color!

Side note: the flowers also came with chocolates. They are now in my and Kristen's lower intestine (we share digestive tracks, and therefore will never survive a separation surgery), and so I will decline to show you a picture of those.

I invited Kristen to see Where the Wild Things Are tonight, but she declined because she has severe irritable bowel syndrome and told me that tonight is the night she stays home to shit her pants. I told her we would understand and forgive her if she pooped in the theater, but she said that she also likes to taste it a little so she'd rather do that in privacy.

If anyone is interested, Kristen is currently single and you can reach her at KL5-1122.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I warned her

Last night Leighann had her first visit to Congee village, that haven for cheap/underage drinking that just about everyone who knows me has been dragged to at least once since I first found it way, way back in high school. I warned her that while the food is tasty, she might want to avoid any meat items. so obviously bitch orders the pork.
Well, now Leighann is at home vomitting convulsively while I sit here trying to keep our boss from stealing Leighann's pens and leaving shit on her desk (two on going problems we have) while at the same time keeping her from noticing that I am actually doing my anatomy homework/chatting with Leighann via the interweb and not doing my job.
I do not have enough hands for this Leighann! Next time listen!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Yes, I am a chiropractor

I just need to point out here that when Kristen initially asked for a back-crack, I turned to find her arching her back and thrusting her pelvis at me while leaning against her chair. "That's not your back," I said, while she thrusted ever-closer. "Please, Kristen, don't make me use my chiropractic skills for evil!"
But then she pulled out all the stops and used her dark witch powers against me. So I did get to cop a feel, but I also can't feel the left side of my body. Because I actually cracked MY OWN back. So there, I am a fucking chiropractor. I knew just how to crack a back.

Leighann is not a chiropractor

A few minutes ago I was complaining that my back hurt. Leighann informed me that she could crack it for me. Though she did manage to surprise me by being able to lift me pretty high off the ground, she was unable to crack my back. She did manage to grab my boob and smash my funny bone though.

Did you two know you look like sisters?

This was asked of us today as we walked out the door for lunch, by our office building's creepy, creepy super. Yes, we know, we've been told before. We realized it ourselves on Leighann's first day when she came in and we were wearing the same red jacket, and similar black grey and red skirt/tight/shirt combos. and had the same haircut.
We like to think this is because our boss has a very specific type. When I first started working for him at our old office, everyone called me Emily. At first I thought this was just because she happened to have the job before me, but it turns out, she also looked exactly like Leighann and I. What he did not bargain for though, is us being even more similar personality wise. In fact, in essence the same person. Clearly he bit off more than he could chew, and the two of us sharing a small space has been essentially his worst nightmare. Sometimes, when we want him to stop talking or agree to something, we work this to our advantage. Mostly though, we just talk about how it's sort of awkward. And then close the door and make out, because we are also both huge narcisists.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

We have not updated because we have been too busy playing Farmville. This Leighann hanging out on her farm

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Our intern is an idiot

So, we have an intern. Neither one of us likes her very much (though to be fair Leighann actually hates her while she just sort of annoys me). Mostly this is because she is extremely, extremely socially awkward, not in the fun way like just about all of the creepos I am friends with, but in the way that she just cannot interact. It's sort of like "hey, intern, how was your weekend? Do anything fun?" "*pause, blank look* um, I'm gonna do some filing" She just will not talk about anything other than work. At all. EVER.
And yet, for all her obsession with this crappy ass job, she still kind of sucks at it. Case in point, I jsut opened a file in which she had been working and was allegedly making useful notes in. I looked at said notes, and they all, ALL said such things as "same teacher from like 52 and 107" "sent with package from like 32". This would be fine, except that LINES IN EXCEL FILES ARE NOT FIXED. They change anytime you do a sort, add a case, ect. I have no idea when she made these notes, how many cases were in the file at the time, or how she had it sorted. Basically, these notes, which I actually needed, are now about as useful as this blog.

Monday, October 12, 2009

A Very Special Columbus Day

Because New York State and our particular place of employment wish to express their deep-seated hatred of Native Americans, Kristen and I have off work today! But that doesn't mean we can't bone at home just as effectively. While I have yet to contact Kristen on this fine, land-raping, trail-of-tears-walking morning, I'm sure that she is doing what we do best at work:

Except in the comfort of our own home, it involves more of this:

Although sometimes we do that at work, too:

Thursday, October 8, 2009

I swear we're grownups

Leighann threw a tampon at me in front of the new volunteer. Maybe this is why people consistently think we're freshman
Sidenote- our new volunteer IS a freshman, and she is super adorable and I want to feed her cookies and have her tell me about her guy problems.
A few more weeks here and I'm sure Leighann and I will have worn down her perky, adorable naivete

Kristen haz a sad

It is a day of woe and misfortune here at work. A day in which no co-workers would bone. Or, at the very least, the boning would be of a slow and mournful nature, rather than the usual celebratory boning.

Kristen had her car towed last night, and is subsequently a sad, penniless shadow of the woman she was yesterday. And so, although I can offer her no alms, I can create a work of art that is so masterful that its ownership will increase the owner's worth tenfold. Without further ado, I present to Kristen my magnum opus:

Kristen Frolicking in Meadow with Unicorn and Puppy

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Leighann is a liar

She told me it was the 200th anniversary of Edgar Allan Poe's death. I thought we would have heard more about it if that was true, especially since the house he lived in and wrote The Bells (the Fordham bells!) in is right around the corner pretty much (not that anyone ever actually goes to see it but it's there!) and it also just didn't sound right, so I checked and it is in fact only the 160th anniversary of his death.
Way to lie Leighann
Anyway, go read some Poe
(Also, she needed the calculator to figure out the time between 1849 and 2009. Now I will make fun of her all day)

Monday, October 5, 2009

Zebra Gum Makes the Day Go Faster

I recently had to abandon Kristen for two and a half days in order to travel to a neighboring state and tear apart a family that is not my own. To make up my absence to Kristen, and also to gently coax her out from under her desk, I returned with much-sought-after Zebra Gum. You may remember this as the gum that tasted like Zebra. A Zebra that runs out of flavor after about 7-10 chews.

This particular pack of Zebra gum came with tattoos! Kristen, being a veteran tattoo-haver, had to help me apply mine (I lost the use of my fingers in a freak accident involving a dropped penny and a smoothie-maker). Lookin' fine, Surf-Fun Zebra!

We work in the Bronx

And this is an example of the kind of thing we see on our lunchbreak. Yes, that is a dog. Carrying another dog. In a briefcase. Wearing sunglasses. Yes, we made best friends with his owner. Leighann is submitting this to If it does not make it, I do not know what those people are thinking.
This is what happens when we have actual work to do in the office. I think I had done my job with minimal procrastination for almost a week when this tantrum got thrown! Personal best. Thankfully Leighann was there to encourage and record my breakdown.
Except then she went on vacation for a "wedding" or some such bullshit. So I had to spend a few days hiding under my desk all alone. *tear

Monday, September 14, 2009

The Room

So this weekend, Leighann discovered the cinematic masterpiece that is The Room, by Tommy Wiseau. By far the best part of this movie, in my opinion, are the sex scenes, which are in fact the same scene replayed at different points in the movie, and during which the direct/star of the film seems to be fucking the female lead in the navel.
Essentialy every line of this movie is hilarious. We have spent the morning thus far turning to each other periodically and saying "well, the results came in, I definately have breat cancer" and "darling, you can't support yourself", and occasionally screaming "YOU ARE TEARING ME APART LISA" and then throwing something on the ground.
Next we shall organize an outing to the monthly showing and throw spoons at the screen.
Our boss is out sick today, so we are sitting around with our shoes off, and my pants will probably follow shortly. They will be put back on only for an extended lunchtime excursion to the new Applebees.

Monday, August 31, 2009

This is what Leighann and I do with our day