Sunday, January 24, 2010


Annnnd we're back! Sorry for the delay in posting, but sometimes we get caught up in months-long drinking binges and forget where we put our blogger passwords (turns out it was in our pocket the whole time!).

There is much to report, but by far the most exciting development is that Kristen and I are now the proud parents of Sea Monkeys!

It turns out that both of us have been harboring a secret grudge against our parents for years because they refused to purchase us Sea Monkey Kingdoms when we were children. As an adult, I can see their point of view: Obviously they feared that we would cultivate an unfailingly loyal army of sea-based killing machines, thus destroying whatever tenuous shreds of authority to which my parents desperately clung. But now that I'm bringing home the bacon, no one's gonna slow my stride. So when Kristen and I were pondering the aisles of Walgreen's and spotted the chance to commandeer our own Sea Monkey special-ops for only $9.99, our destiny became clear.

Yes, we are aware that our army is actually composed of brine shrimp which are neither monkeys nor inhabit the sea. I DON'T CARE. I love them. One of them is named Margaret Sanger (I'm not really sure which one is actually Margaret Sanger, I just know that one of them has that name. I'm gonna go with the biggest one). We have yet to name the remaining monkeys, because we can't really get a firm head count (damn bastards keep retreating behind the pile of secret pirate gold). But I imagine that one of them is named Corky, because they often swim in tight little corkscrew loops for hours on end. We may sprinkle some Adderall in the tank later to get them to pay the fuck attention.

Expect pictures to come soon, courtesy of Kristen's expert photography. Oh, and Kristen is officially old today, so be sure to tell her "Happy Birthday" really fast before she throws things at you for trespassing on her lawn.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Something is wrong with this powerpoint

A little while ago I was asked to look into something for work, and this something proved to be so stupidly complicated that I decided the only way to relay this information to my superiors would be via PowerPoint. I would not be making a presentation, you see, just a quick slide show with the information presented in a simple, step-by-step format, that they could browse at their own leisure (pronounced LEH-jurrr, with a mint julep in hand).

Anyway, sometimes my head goes to weird places and at some point during the construction of this PowerPoint that place was Tim Curry. So to amuse myself and to keep my interest, I started inserting pictures of Tim Curry into my slide show. Then, Tim Curry became the host of my slide show. Eventually I had slides like this:

So then I says to myself, I says, "Well, those slides kept MY interest. Why not just leave them in?" And so the presentation hosted by Tim Curry made its way to all of my superiors.

My boss' response: "Now I know what happens when I leave you alone with a box of coffee all day."

Which would be true, except I hadn't actually had any coffee. Because If I HAD, my presentation would be more like this:

Really, it's just my brain, which is dominated by major television networks and film studios (I was a latchkey kid!). Go on, remember Tim Curry as The Butler? You loved that movie. Put it into your presentation. Do it. DO IT NOW OR YOUR MOM WILL NEVER COME HOME FROM WORK.

Difficult day

Today has been a difficult day. For a wide variety of reasons. After I had finished randomly throwing up for no apparent reason, I put my head down on Leighann's desk to whimper about how much I hate my life. Leighann once again proved her sensitivity and caring by petting my head with a plastic fork and calling me a "retarded mermaid"

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

This man is our hero
Essentially every entry on this man's site is genius. He also seems like a complete asshole, in a totally hot way. One day Leighann and I are going to move to Australia and joint-marry this man (half-opposite marry?) this man and take turns babysitting his hysterical, foul-mouthed, horribly behaved child. I anticipate us lasting about a year before we collapse from exhaustion brought on by wild sex and constant laughter.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Our office gets some color

Yesterday, my boyfriend sent me flowers at work because I was having a bad day (bad day = abilities reduced to only being able to play farmville while I cry like a toddler, emailing boss responses like "I don't care, do whatever you want"). This was a very thoughtful and unexpected gesture, since I have received flowers from him exactly once in our four-year relationship (and only then because I asked him why he never brought me flowers, so he felt obligated). These flowers would also not be possible without Kristen, who gave him our office address, so a big tip-o-the-hat to her as well. Anyhoodle, in addition to our drab walls and black-and-white printouts, we now have color!

Side note: the flowers also came with chocolates. They are now in my and Kristen's lower intestine (we share digestive tracks, and therefore will never survive a separation surgery), and so I will decline to show you a picture of those.

I invited Kristen to see Where the Wild Things Are tonight, but she declined because she has severe irritable bowel syndrome and told me that tonight is the night she stays home to shit her pants. I told her we would understand and forgive her if she pooped in the theater, but she said that she also likes to taste it a little so she'd rather do that in privacy.

If anyone is interested, Kristen is currently single and you can reach her at KL5-1122.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I warned her

Last night Leighann had her first visit to Congee village, that haven for cheap/underage drinking that just about everyone who knows me has been dragged to at least once since I first found it way, way back in high school. I warned her that while the food is tasty, she might want to avoid any meat items. so obviously bitch orders the pork.
Well, now Leighann is at home vomitting convulsively while I sit here trying to keep our boss from stealing Leighann's pens and leaving shit on her desk (two on going problems we have) while at the same time keeping her from noticing that I am actually doing my anatomy homework/chatting with Leighann via the interweb and not doing my job.
I do not have enough hands for this Leighann! Next time listen!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Yes, I am a chiropractor

I just need to point out here that when Kristen initially asked for a back-crack, I turned to find her arching her back and thrusting her pelvis at me while leaning against her chair. "That's not your back," I said, while she thrusted ever-closer. "Please, Kristen, don't make me use my chiropractic skills for evil!"
But then she pulled out all the stops and used her dark witch powers against me. So I did get to cop a feel, but I also can't feel the left side of my body. Because I actually cracked MY OWN back. So there, I am a fucking chiropractor. I knew just how to crack a back.